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People-pleasers can be drawn to toxic relationships. It’s important to know why.

I came across Sam Dylan Finch’s wonderful blog on Twitter.

His writing is so clear and compassionate.

I don’t LOVE how much I identify with this post, which is exactly why it’s so important.

Give it a read.

Let's Queer Things Up!

I’ve learned in life that when you observe a pattern about yourself, it might be worth examining (okay, this is an understatement — I can pretty much guarantee you that you’ll come out wiser).

One of my big “aha” moments this year was around a relationship pattern that I hadn’t noticed before. I realized that I’m a people-pleaser.

Being liked by others, especially in my personal life, came at the expense of voicing my true feelings and needs. It was more important to be liked than it was to have relationships that felt honest and nourishing.

And it’s a lonely place to be — it can feel like no one knows your true feelings or self, and that you are secondary in relationships that should feel equal. Unsurprisingly, this can lead to a hell of a lot of resentment.

And thus… a pattern emerged.

My favorite kind of person to…

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Author:

She/her. 4w3. Lover of vegan cream cheese and performative angst. In 2014, tired of my pop culture rants, my mom told me, "You should start a blog!" In 2015, needing a place to gush about the new Star Wars trilogy, I created this site. In 2016, while working an insane schedule at the local bakery, I stopped writing. That same year, I moved to Seattle. Picture every fresh-faced young woman you've ever seen stepping out of a taxi in a movie. That was me...only with a lot more anxiety and shorter hair. Living here has been a trip. I'm not always happy, but I find plenty of stuff to write about. I love to call out, complain, overreact, analyze, and reimagine. This site contains the fruit of that labor.

5 thoughts on “People-pleasers can be drawn to toxic relationships. It’s important to know why.

  1. Wow … I went and just read the post you shared … hits home a little too hard lol. I’ve actually become MUCH better at not being a people-pleaser. I was SO bad for it and never realized how many “friends” abused that power until my more recent friends talked to me about it being okay to say “no” and that I don’t have to please everyone and fix everything.

    I’m in the middle area now regarding relationships. My ex wasn’t a bad guy at all, but I was definitely too passive in the relationship. I don’t seek “difficult to love” relationships now … but I also have a hard time being in a relationship. And the taking compliments thing is STILL hard … but easier.

    Wonderful post to share, Lauren!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s scary how normal that dynamic can feel. It took me a long time to realize that I was miserable in some of my friendships. I’m from a community that tends to spiritualize misery as “putting others first,” so I thought I was just being a good friend.

      I’m in the same boat with relationships. I’m trying to be more assertive; it’s a work in progress.

      Honestly, I was mad at how accurate the post was! But it’s also information I wish I’d had earlier!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. LOL! I also felt mad … but it’s great that these kinds of discussions are becoming more prominent now. I wish I could tell my younger self to STOP letting the world walk all over you, but at least I know now. The thing I’m trying to work on now though is patience … when i was a “pushover”, I funny enough had a lot of patience. Now that I’m trying to be more assertive, it’s like I get frustrated more with people … again … working on it lol!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Saaaaame. I’m always suspicious that people are about to take advantage of me, so I end up being short with them. Retraining myself to be patient AND establish boundaries is a fun new challenge.

        Liked by 1 person

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