Top 5 Tuesday: Couples I Don’t Think Stayed Together

Today’s Top 5 Tuesday is JUICY.

I LOVE trashing ships. It’s one of my favorite pastimes.

I hate some very popular ships.

I think this is due in large part to:

1. a dearth of inspiring mainstream queer ships
2. lower standards for male love interests

I would have given an example of that second one, but the ships I chose beat me to it.

So…get ready for a post in which I rag on a bunch of male love interests.

I DON’T think these couples would have lasted and I’d be happy to tell you why.

Ron Weasley + Hermione Granger

Harry Potter

What does Ron bring to this relationship?

What role is he filling?

Hermione did everything for the Ron and Harry. (Though I hate to admit this, it’s absolutely true.)

SHE REMEMBERED TO BRING CLOTHES ON THEIR SEARCH FOR THE HORCUXES. NEITHER boy thought about that!

Ron relies on Hermione all the time, yet when Hermione is in trouble, Ron makes fun of her, leaves, or says something insensitive.

Ron doesn’t  appreciate Hermione’s accomplishments (going so far as to mock some of them), has no goals aside from “be popular and successful,” and ABANDONS HIS FRIENDS when things get hard or frustrating.

HOW is Hermione supposed to build an empire when she’s busy PACKING RON’S CLOTHES and DOING RON’S HOMEWORK FOR HIM???

Get lost, Weaselby.

 

Nina Zenik + Matthias Helvar

Six of Crows

I feel like the duology tries to set up Nina as an extreme hedonist to contrast Matthias’ asceticism, but I don’t see her that way.

Nina sounds like a pretty typical Taurus, out enjoying the world and the comforts it offers.

Nina was KIDNAPPED, taken to Ketterdam of all places, and spent a year working to RELEASE HER ABDUCTOR FROM PRISON. LET HER TAKE PLEASURE WHERE SHE CAN.

ALL OF THAT happens to Nina and prejudiced ingrate Matthias still judges Nina for her tastes and indulgences.

Matthias’ reactions range from “NOT PROPER” to “I like this but I feel guilty so it must be BAD.”

(HE IS NOT BETTER THAN WAFFLES.)

Leigh Bardugo tries to imply that these characters help each other grow, but all I see is Nina helping Matthias recover from his cultish religious upbringing.

New idea: how about Matthias goes to therapy?

 

Kady Grant + Ezra Mason

Illuminae

I saw this couple on Shanah’s list and I STRONGLY agree.

I hate that Ezra turns every situation into a joke because he can’t handle serious emotions.

That strategy is not going to work for you long term, chum.

 

Carswell Thorne + Cress Darnel

The Lunar Chronicles

The only thing I hate more than a cocky space bro is when said bro seduces a naive waif.

Also, I don’t buy Thorne’s sudden romantic swerve.

He goes from a dramatic flirt to a sap who can’t imagine life without Cress? Please.

The other boys in the series set this precedent with their almost-obsessive loyalty, a quality Thorne does NOT share.

Neither do I buy that Cress (as of Stars Above) is totally fine with Thorne’s flirtations.

The girl who grew up in a satellite and treats life like a romance novel is COMPLETELY FINE with her prince flirting with other women?

Do they have an arrangement?

Did Cress go to therapy during the time skip?

 

Ruby Oliver + Noel DuBoise

Real Live Boyfriends

Surely this relationship didn’t last.

Please tell me it didn’t last.

I hope Ruby realizes that she can date someone nice AND interesting.

She doesn’t have to settle for someone who keeps shutting her out.

I had to rewrite this post a couple times. This was the toned-down version.

I would love to know your thoughts and see your lists.

Let’s break up some fictional couples.