TOP TEN TUESDAY: Books I Would Gift My Nemesis

Today’s Top Ten Tuesday was a freebie. This is what I came up with.

While I have no reason to gift books to my real-life nemesis (looking at you, Derek*), I still entertain passive-aggressive fantasies about giving them books that would cause them undue amounts of pain.

Here’s my current list.

The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt

I read a quarter of this book in 2014 and it felt like actual torture.

The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein

Man’s best friend is baffled by queer relationships but fully on board with slut shaming?

Dogs, pure of both heart and soul, believe that people who die from cancer deserve it?

Also, the whole book is actually about a custody battle complicated by a rape accusation?

I want my nemesis to suffer as I have.

Plain Bad Heroines by Emily M. Danforth

Here’s how I picture it going down:

I gift my nemesis this book.

I wait until they’re 90% of the way through.

Then I say, “Wow, wasn’t it so wild that after 600 pages of buildup, nothing happened?”

My nemesis won’t believe me. To them, that seems like a cruel joke.

Then they read the rest of the book where nothing actually happens.

Maybe, for extra pain, I’ll gift them the audiobook. Make the hurt last longer.

Beloved by Toni Morrison

This book hollowed me out.

There is so much pain here.

I want my nemesis to be haunted for the rest of their life.

The Witches Are Coming by Lindy West

This book walloped me with climate change dread.

I feel like my nemesis could use a healthy dose of existential panic.

Nightmare Academy by Frank Peretti

Was this an actual book I read or a fever dream I had in the 2000s?

This is my interpretation of the plot powered by almost two decades of hindsight:

Engaging with postmodernism will lead one down a maze of never-ending questions that will drive one insane.

Therefore, people should question postmodernism…by not asking questions…unless they are questioning postmodernism…which they will do without questioning anything.

This is fine.

Monster by Frank Peretti

I’m including another Peretti novel because I will show no mercy.

This one I haven’t read and only recently learned about.

The plot concerns three SASQUATCHES blamed for the crimes of a CHIMP-HUMAN HYBRID engineered by an AMORAL SCIENTIST.

FRANK!! WHAT IN THE MICHAEL CRICHTON HAVE YOU DONE NOW??

The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

Chrono-displaced fetuses.

Live with that image, Derek.*

Crazy Love by Francis Chan

Francis Chan really wrote a bestselling book with the premise, “If you love God so much, WHY AREN’T YOU DOING MORE??”

I had a spiritual crisis after reading this book.

Until just now, I’d forgotten that Francis claims God doesn’t want to hear from people unless they pray the right way.

WHY WOULD YOU EVER SAY THAT TO SOMEONE? HOW DOES THAT HELP??

I wouldn’t wish this book on my worst enemy.

Just kidding, I absolutely would.

An IOU for The Winds of Winter by George R. R. Martin

“I pre-ordered the book!”

(There is no preorder link.)

“I’ll get the book to you once it comes out!”

(It’s never coming out.)

I hope Derek* enjoys these books.

Well…”enjoy” is a strong word.

No, I will not be providing a gift receipt.

_______________________________________________

*Name has been changed