Based on some of the content I’ve posted, you might think I hate Valentine’s Day.
I love Valentine’s Day.
I DON’T love certain literary characters.
If I had to send Valentines to these characters, this is what I would say.
To: Reid Diggory from Serpent & Dove
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Stop manhandling your wife.
To: Henry Tilney from Northanger Abbey
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens,
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens,
Brown paper packages tied up with strings,
You better stop mansplaining all of these things.
To: Mark Watney from The Martian
You made me hate science AND potatoes.
I hope you stay stuck in space.
To: John Thorpe from Northanger Abbey
Oh, yikes, I accidentally sent Henry Tilney a Valentine meant for you.
Wait a minute…
I see what happened: I threw your Valentine in the trash.
WHERE YOU BELONG.
To: The psychologist from Annihilation
Nothing says “true love” like being hoisted by your own petard, am I RIGHT?
AM I RIGHT??
To: Prince Jasimir from The Merciful Crow
You dare tell Fie who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?
CERTAINLY NOT YOUR STEPMOM THE QUEEN.
To: Daniel “Darlington” Arlington from Ninth House
Poor little rich boy.
You’ll never be Abel Turner.
Too bad for you.
To: Xander from Undead Girl Gang
You have mushrooms in your soul.
To: Malachiasz from Wicked Saints
You broke my heart.
Go sit in timeout with Wolf from The Lunar Chronicles.
Happy Valentine’s, my enemies.
Watch out for strawberry creams in your chocolate boxes.
…they’re not poisoned or anything. I just think they’re gross.
(Also, they’re poisoned.)