Posted in Real Life

Spooky Confessions: Dating Fears

It’s spooky season and what’s spookier than vulnerability?

I mentioned in my September wrap-up that I downloaded OkCupid again.

That lasted about two-and-a-half weeks.

The final straw came when someone asked me out only to unmatch with me right before we finalized plans.

Conventional wisdom said to move on and not take it personally.

As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t do it.

I feel like I’ve used up a lot of my coping, effort, and optimism on this dating project. Even though I should theoretically be rested and rejuvenated after my month-long break, I feel exhausted once again.

I deleted the app this morning. Instead of feeling relief, my body flooded with anger and fear.

*

I’m twenty-seven.

Thirty feels a lot closer than it did on my birthday in January.

Maybe it’s the pandemic talking, but I feel panicked by how little I seem to have accomplished at this point in my life.

Pre-pandemic, I was reasonably satisfied with my life choices.

Ten months into the shittiest year on record, I can’t stop feeling like I’ve wasted too much time.

Nothing – my career, my love life, my friendships, my living situation – is where I want it to be. Nothing is ideal and I don’t see how I can change things. I feel stuck rather than feeling like I’m building something.

My stomach feels tight all the time.

The fact that so much is out of my control infuriates me.

I’ve “put myself out there,” as it were, and been on two whole dates.

I’ve tried to make changes with no results.

I’ve watched friends meet partners during this pandemic while I flounder to find someone who – AT MINIMUM – responds to messages.

Twenty-seven is starting to feel like a deadline – not because I HAVE to be in a relationship, but because I’m afraid.

I’m afraid I’ll never find someone.

I’m afraid of settling for someone who seems fine and fits into my life kind of.

I’m afraid of settling at all.

I’m afraid of making huge compromises to make a relationship work, whether that means becoming a step-parent or moving multiple times or living on a farm in the middle of nowhere when I’d rather stay in the city.

I’m afraid of ending up in another relationship where I compromise constantly.

I’m afraid of ending up in another relationship where I have to sacrifice what matters to me.

I’m afraid no one will find both my body and my personality attractive.

I’m afraid I’m too butch and not butch enough.

I’m afraid I’m too femme and not femme enough.

I’m afraid that me being both butch and femme will freak people out.

I’m afraid my sparse dating history will drive people away.

I’m afraid that wanting a romantic and sexual relationship makes me selfish and judgmental.

I’m afraid I’m too vanilla to date in Seattle.

I’m afraid I haven’t unlocked the perfect combination of maturity, success, and self-knowledge that will make me worthy of romantic love.

I’m afraid I have nothing to offer.

I’m afraid it’s too late for me – that I wasted too much time not dating and missed my window.

I’m afraid that I don’t have the stamina required to partner search.

I’m afraid of being foiled by lock-downs, distance, and lack of transportation.

I’m afraid my singleness is a punishment for some sort of sin I haven’t acknowledged.

I’m afraid I want a partner too much.

I’m afraid I’m not trying hard enough.

I’m afraid that I will be stuck forever in a tiny studio apartment in a city that I still don’t love at a job that only pays the bills.

I’m afraid I’ve failed.

My stomach is so tight and I am tired.

The only thing I know to do is rest.

*

This month, I want to read spooky books and play Among Us with friends and keep screaming at new employees to stop emailing unfiled documents to servers. (I’m serious about this last one – it HAS to stop.)

Winter is coming and I already know I won’t have the energy to maintain the optimism required for dating.

I don’t know if I ever will.

Maybe spring will be different.

Maybe 2021 will be different.

I just don’t know.

Author:

Lover of cheese and performative angst. I love to call out, complain, overreact, analyze, and reimagine. This site contains the fruit of that labor.

9 thoughts on “Spooky Confessions: Dating Fears

  1. This was a tugging on the heart-strings kinda post, I gotta say. First of all, I just want to send you love, support, encouragement and assurance. You seem amazing. I hope you find your perfect match at the time when you’re most ready for them to fit into your life. Dating is…weird. There are no right answers. There is no “solution.” I do NOT believe that it is too late for you though (NO!) and I do NOT believe you have nothing to offer.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lauren, I only wish the best for you; I’m sending you love 💞 I want to also thank you for sharing your fears because you are so not alone because I won’t lie your post brought tears to my eyes because wow I felt this post in my core. I don’t know if it’s because we’re the same age, but man I understand the feeling of being stuck. Some days I can convince myself that I’m okay with being single and that I will move out of my parents house… then I have days where I’m like ‘is this it for me?’ it’s all so disheartening. I want to believe that there is a person out there for all of us, we just have to wait, but the trying and trying again can get tiring.
    I have to keep up hope that our time will come!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Meghan. 💖 Also, I totally hear you and feel the same way. Like, some days are fine and others I’m like, “It gets better, right?” I’m really grateful to know you – thank you for being kind and honest! Talking about this helps me keep up hope!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Aw, I’m grateful to know you as well! 💞 I agree talking about it does help, especially when you know you’re not going at it alone. I think that’s the worst is feeling like you’re stuck in this spot all alone and no one seems to understand the feelings your feeling. You’re not alone, if you ever need to talk, I’m always around 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh Lauren. I just want to wrap you in a giant hug my beautiful friend. Life… I have no clue why it is the way it is. Why some people seem to float and others struggle. Why it is some find their loves and some of us don’t. But all I can say is you are enough. Exactly as you are. You are glorious and wonderful and I truly hope you get all your heart desires because you deserve the sun, the moon and stars. 💖💖💖

    Liked by 1 person

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