Books That Would Have Been Improved With a Queer Romance

I have watched Our Flag Means Death all the way through twice and I want to know: why can’t media be this queer all the time??

Other media is so BORING by comparison!

I’ve read numerous books that would have been MUCH better with a queer subplot of some kind, specifically a romantic one.

These are books I think would have benefited especially.

The Eye of the World by Robert Jordan

I’m not convinced Robert Jordan ever met or spoke to a woman while he was alive.

At the very least, he never listened to one.

His male characters run around going, “Why are women so CONFUSING? I guess we’ll never know!” All of them are allegedly attracted to women but don’t seem to like them very much. (I guess that tracks.)

Anyway, I ship Rand and Mat.

Rand and Egwene, two characters who are supposedly in love, have almost no positive interactions and spend a large portion of the first book apart.

Compare them to Mat and Rand, who spend A LOT of time comforting each other, protecting each other, and trying to survive.

I would have finished this book much faster if the boys had been in love.

American Royals by Katharine McGee

You mean to tell me that Nina and Daphne spent a whole book fighting over a guy named JEFF?

Every time Nina said something along the lines of, “I’ll never be good enough for you, Jeff,” I rolled my eyes out of my head.

HOW could someone prefer a man NAMED FOR THOMAS JEFFERSON to DAPHNE DEIGHTON, the determined would-be royal??

I think the girls should have ditched Jeff and dated each other. It would have been a heck of a lot more interesting.

Uprooted by Naomi Novik

It’s no secret that I hated this book.

The actual love interest was verbally abusive and sexist! Hot!

By contrast, the most loving relationship in Agnieszka’s life was her friendship with Kasia.

I could see Kasia and Anieszka’s relationship as either romantic or queerplatonic – just GET RID of the Dragon and make the women the focus instead!

I would have preferred a book about their relationship over one about A MAN WHO HAD TOO MUCH TROUBLE FINDING THE BAR TO TRIP OVER IT.

Good Omens by Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman

This book is already pretty queer.

Aziraphale and Crowley’s relationship could easily be interpreted as romantic.

I want it to be canon.

Nay, I DEMAND it.

This is the romantic asexual pairing we deserve!

Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo

Alex’s relationship with Helly is never confirmed to be romantic, though Alex is described as loving and/or being in love with Helly.

I would love for her friendship with Dawes to turn romantic, ESPECIALLY if it prevents Alex from ending up with the hateful Darlington.

The second book has already been written and I’m so afraid Alex/Darlington will be made canon.

Leigh Bardugo has blown holes in my ship twice now! I shouldn’t be surprised, but HERE WE ARE.

The Host by Stephenie Meyer

Hear me out. Hear me OUT, I said.

This book had an interesting premise but messy execution. Here is my proposed fix:

Make it a trans narrative.

An alien takes over an unfamiliar body?

The host of said body no longer feels at home in their own skin?

The two of them fight for control but eventually learn to cooperate?

TRANS NARRATIVE.

This lens would have made the SUPER WEIRD ROMANCES more interesting in terms of, “Am I really in love with this person or with their current presentation?”

SOMEONE REWRITE THIS.

The Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Meyer

The Lunar Chronicles is one of my all-time favorite series.

It is also AGGRESIVELY straight.

You’re telling me there are four female protagonists and not one of them is the slightest bit queer?

SEEMS SUS.

I think there’s potential with Cinder especially.

She’s an immigrant shunned by society because of her cyborg body.

We’ve got queer subtext! Trans subtext! Disability subtext! And more!

The real life parallels are endless!

Alternately, I would have loooved to see sheltered little Cress end up with someone who didn’t take advantage of her naivete. (This is a Carswell Thorne anti-stan account.)

If that someone HAPPENED to be a woman or non-binary person, so be it!

All of these suggestions are theoretical! Just for laughs! A pasttime!

However…if someone wanted to rewrite any of the above books as queer narratives, I would happily do the developmental edit.

Let’s talk.