Do me a favor and DON’T READ THIS.
I wrote a series of letters to some of the books I read last month and someone LEAKED them!
I’m so embarrassed.
Uh, I mean…who says I even wrote these letters?
Why are you looking at the signatures? I TOLD YOU NOT TO READ THEM!
Fine. Go ahead. Laugh it up.
Just know my soul is dying.
Dear New Erotica for Feminists: Satirical Fantasies of Love, Lust, and Equal Pay,
THANK YOU FOR TAKING ME SERIOUSLY!!!
I don’t get to joke about this stuff very often, so I LOVE that you get it!
Isn’t it annoying how…?
And don’t you hate it when…?
Ugh, ME, TOO.
I had so much fun with you.
You make me want to be a better feminist.
Would you like to meet my friends?
Too late, I already made a reservation for Tuesday at 7:00.
Can’t wait to see you,
Dear The Power,
Let me cut to the chase: the assault scene made me sick to my stomach.
I realize that was likely the point.
Here’s my problem: everything you presented felt too real.
Our 45th president keeps getting worse.
A series of news stories sent me into a week-long panic attack.
Your proposed future reads too much like my present and I don’t like it.
I appreciate what you’ve done. I admire your bravery.
For my own health, though, I couldn’t take it.
Sorry I wasn’t stronger,
Dear Meet Cute,
If reading you was my destiny, I have some words for the universe.
You promised me sweet romance.
That was your WHOLE PREMISE.
So why were your romances so weak?
Many of the meet cutes were afterthoughts at BEST. Love interests appeared on the last page SEVERAL times.
Compelling conflicts ended in abrupt incidences of true love!
Welp, that’s that! ON TO THE NEXT STORY!
Don’t slap a romance on the end and call it a narrative.
I took a chance on you, Meet Cute.
Guess it wasn’t meant to be.
I’m sure you’ll make another reader very happy.
Best of luck,
Dear Technically, You Started It,
SOMEHOW, YOU SUCCESSFULLY CATERED TO MY SPECIFIC DEMOGRAPHIC WITH ON-THE-PAGE REPRESENTATION!
ARE YOU SERIOUS??
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT REPRESENTATION!!
I was thrilled to see characters that looked and acted like me.
And I HATE cutesy love stories.
Yet the sweetness? The friendship? The slow burn?
THE BI COLOR SCHEME??? (I see what you did there…)
YOU DO THINGS LIKE THAT AND MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO HATE YOU!
5/5 stars. I’m telling everyone about you.
Don’t be mad. Technically, you started it.
To Gimme Some Sugar c/o Hungry Hearts: 13 Tales of Food & Love:
How does one make a story both by-the-numbers and over-the-top?
Here’s a tip: info-dumps DO NOT count as emotional engagement.
Also…drawn-out flashbacks in the middle of a tense cooking competition? REALLY?
You made a big deal about cooking with “real” ingredients, about infusing recipes with sugar and butter, heart and soul.
Joke’s on you – I can tell fake sweetener and butter substitutes from the real thing.
In a perfectly sweet anthology, this story was the only sour note.
To Every Shade of Red c/o All Out: The No-Longer-Secret Stories of Queer Teens Throughout the Ages:
I never saw you coming.
You turned Robin Hood’s band of Merry Men into a gang of queer thieves rife with representation.
Lots of ladies present and no Maid Marian in sight?
Even the sheriff is a lady??
And Friar Tuck is aro???
HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME FEEL.
This story touched my heart.
I would have read an ENTIRE book of these characters.
Bless you, queer Robin Hood. You sparked my imagination.
Your enthralled admirer,
Welp…that was only slightly embarrassing.
That’ll teach me to write letters to books.
…who am I kidding? I’ll never stop.