A complaint regarding my relationship:
I can quote the Star Wars franchise in its entirety. I commonly invoke the “I love you, I know” conversation in romantic moments. I snap, “That’s not how the Force works!” or, “I’M SURE YOU ARE!” when irritated.
My girlfriend lets these words waft past her as if they mean NOTHING.
Having escaped the nostalgia filter that comes with repeated childhood viewings of Episodes IV through VI, she considers the original Star Wars trilogy – the MOST IMPORTANT FILM FRANCHISE OF OUR TIME – “cheesy sci-fi.”
(I have no plans to convert her, though I’m tempted to perform some sort of ritual at the Rise of Skywalker screening.)
That’s one Star Wars confession I’ve been holding back.
The rest of this post details all the Star Wars-related thoughts I’ve been too afraid to share.
I hope you’ve watched the series, because thar be SPOILERS.
I think killing off Han and Luke made sense for the narrative
Let me dust off this argument I’ve been carrying since 2015…
HARRISON FORD WANTED HIS CHARACTER TO BE KILLED OFF.
Did you expect J. J. Abrams, Michael Arndt, and Lawrence Kasdan to write a legend out of the narrative without comment?? Give the man a dramatic death scene!
(I am worried about Leia, but I’M TRYING TO BE POSITIVE.)
Oh, and the carbonite scene in Empire? THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SEND-OFF BUT THEY BROUGHT HAN BACK FOR RETURN OF THE JEDI INSTEAD.
Regarding Luke, the man tries to die a failure and ends up dying a hero.
WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT?
FOR HIM TO LIVE FOREVER???
THIS IS WAR.
WE GOT THIS GEM FROM LUKE, PLUS A DOZEN GREAT QUOTES.
And he’s rumored to return in Rise of the Skywalker anyway.
I think he’ll be back as a villain because of Mark Hammill’s voice-acting proficiency.
We. Shall. See.
I like The Phantom Menace
And I think it’s a million times better than Revenge of the Sith.
I SAID IT.
Phantom has my favorite environments, characters, subplots, and hairstyles.
Even the haters love Darth Maul (for some reason) and “Duel of the Fates.”
I like what Phantom spawned.
I read THE HELL out of Jedi Apprentice and Jedi Quest in junior high. (THANK YOU, PREQUELS, FOR THESE GIFTS.)
I also love the inclusion of Queen Amidala because Princess Leia was ALL I HAD for such a long time.
Most importantly, The Phantom Menace was the first Star Wars movie I saw in the theater.
I watched it with my family – plus my aunt who was visiting – on the Yokosuka naval base.
Like us, the other Navy families in attendance were desperate for English-language movies and reminders of home.
We were so hyped to see some space action.
This movie makes me happy.
The rest of Navy life was really stressful; Phantom was an escape.
I ship Reylo
I don’t ship them as fervently as I once did, but I love watching Rey and Kylo Ren share the screen.
Their dynamic is so fascinating to watch.
Why are their minds connected? Why is Kylo shirtless? Do I mind? NOT AT ALL.
I love them together.
I’m worried J. J. Abrams is going to SCREW IT UP but there’s NOTHING I CAN DO.
I also ship Finnrose
Daisy Ridley and John Boyega are best friends in real life.
That chemistry unfortunately doesn’t translate onscreen.
Rey and Finn, while friendly with each other, don’t convincingly portray best buds.
Finn and Rose actually act like pals.
Finn’s interactions with Rose showcase Boyega’s sense of humor. They feel like a team.
His interactions with Rey, by contrast, are very serious and overprotective. It feels like he’s struggling to keep up with her.
I should say that, aside from Reylo, all of the New Trilogy “ships” feel pretty weak.
Before I rag on the other ships in the trilogy, let me distract you with this controversial opinion.
I liked the Canto Bight subplot
I THOUGHT IT WAS A FUN DIVERSION.
FINN AND ROSE ARE COMPELLING ADVENTURE BUDDIES.
They met that Force-sensitive kid and saved the fathiers…
I just liked it. I like a caper.
Irrelevant? Sure. Could that subplot be cut? Possibly, except for all the DJ stuff and the VERY NECESSARY MARK HAMILL VOICE ACTING AND CAMERA-LEAPING ALIENS.
The Canto Bight stopover felt like a nod to Indiana Jones.
I love a throwback that’s not tied to ’80s time travel or sports movies because we NEED TO MOVE ON AS A CULTURE.
I know it’s hard, but WE HAVE TO.
(I probably shouldn’t say such things in a post about Star Wars...)
I hate Revenge of the Sith
I’m so sick of fans calling this NEEDLESSLY DARK movie the best prequel film.
Though the Star Wars franchise contains dark imagery and themes, it’s mostly a fun ride.
Hard to keep the Star Wars high going with domestic abuse and the murder of children.
This movie brings me down and I don’t like it.
I stan Holdo
I read an article on The Last Jedi that cast toxic masculinity as the film’s villain.
Reading that take shifted my perspective on Holdo…and, sadly, on Poe Dameron.
I can’t stand Poe.
Good intentions or not, it’s really difficult to watch him criticize a woman in authority because he thinks he can do a better job.
I’ve run into that dynamic too many times in real life to excuse it in fiction.
Though her lack of communication inadvertently triggers a mutiny, I stand by Holdo’s decisions.
At the very least, I think she held her own against rabble-rouser/narcissist Poe.
Fittingly, the theme of the movie is failure.
So Holdo made a wrong choice. LOOK AT EVERY OTHER CHARACTER IN THE FILM.
LOOK AT POE LEADING THE RESISTANCE BOMBER FLEET TO ITS DOOM.
After Holdo’s deep space kamikaze, I’m on her team for life.
She cared more about protecting the light than seeming like a hero.
Take note, POE, you DIP.
I adore Porgs
Porgs are adorable and necessary.
HOW ELSE WERE THE FILMMAKERS TO DEAL WITH THE PUFFINS?
I love them more than Ewoks and Jawas.
I’m still hoping for a new sitcom called Lando and the Porgs.
I loved Rogue One
Jenny Nicholson, one of my favorite movie reviewers, ripped into Rogue One for its plot holes and lack of characterization.
I don’t care if she’s right – I really, REALLY liked this movie.
As you’ll see in a bit (brace yourself), I like it when Star Wars movies take risks.
Rogue One was a Star Wars story…as a war film…where everyone dies in an important martyr operation?
I fell for Bodhi. I loved K2SO. I squealed through my tears during the Vader cameos.
REMEMBER THE HAMMERHEAD????
It’s my second favorite movie of the series.
I hated Solo
I considered Solo a harmless addition when I first saw it, but time and distance have curdled my enjoyment of this stupid, stupid movie.
Han and Qi’ra have NO chemistry.
Thandie Newton dies off way too early.
Paul Bettany doesn’t get to do anything.
Lando takes an hour to show up.
And STUPID DARTH MAUL MAKES A CAMEO?? WHO CARES? WHY IS HE EVEN HERE???
I was fine – bored, but fine – until that STUPID CAMEO.
This movie DID give me two memorable quotes:
“You need anything?”
Also, my FAVORITE:
“I hate you.”
I loved The Last Jedi
I rank the Star Wars movies as follows:
- The Last Jedi
- Rogue One
- The Force Awakens
- The Phantom Menace
- Empire Strikes Back
- A New Hope
- Attack of the Clones
- Return of the Jedi
- Revenge of the Sith
My friend Chris complained that The Force Awakens didn’t stray far enough away from the standard Star Wars formula.
It had a hero, a villain, a resistance, but nothing new (aside from a female protagonist and nonwhite actors.)
It even took place on a DESERT PLANET? Come on.
The Last Jedi DESTROYED the formula.
I don’t remember the last time I laughed during a Star Wars movie.
Let me clarify: I don’t remember the last time I laughed at a JOKE (and not at the crappy dialogue) during a Star Wars movie.
I think about the kamikaze shot – and the ensuing silence – ALL THE TIME.
I SCREAMED during the Reylo scenes.
The Last Jedi gave me everything I wanted from a Star Wars movie without pandering too much.
Honestly, even if Rian Johnson WAS pandering, I don’t care.
There are so many moments in this movie I just love.
Star Wars as a whole is fun, but it’s never made me feel the way TLJ did.
Rian Johnson took a lot of risks and I appreciate it.
I like Padme Amidala
I developed a strong hostility toward Senator Amidala to disguise the fact that I found her attractive.
(Looking back, I exhibited this behavior toward people of all genders.)
(Look for my memoir I Hate Hot People in stores never.)
Apparently my ideal woman is pretty, loyal, and politically active.
She’s also active in the plot! Anakin might be her bodyguard, but Padme does pretty well on her own.
(Except for that thing at the droid factory.)
(We don’t talk about that.)
I support Kylo
Kylo Ren does NOT exhibit what my therapist would call “wise mind.”
I don’t care.
I like that Kylo smashes everything in search of validation.
Yes, he perfectly embodies toxic masculinity – THAT’S WHAT MAKES HIM SO TRAGIC.
This kid grew up believing violence and power would bring him respect.
Now he’s too emotionally stunted to handle the consequences.
Truly, what is more frightening than emotional instability?
I understand why other fans don’t connect with the character.
I still love to watch him.
I don’t think Poe and Finn will end up together
Does this qualify as a confession?
No way is Disney going to okay an onscreen interracial same-sex relationship.
I don’t care if you think they’re cute. This is DISNEY.
The company considers held eye contact an “exclusively gay moment.”
Also, I don’t really think Poe and Finn have a ton of chemistry?
Woof, maybe THAT should have been my confession.
Lots of people see it; I don’t.
Same applies to Hux and Kylo Ren
I don’t think Disney will allow a Mad Love BDSM relationship in a PG-13 space movie.
I know hate to love is a popular romance trope, but I REALLY don’t see it with these two.
I identify with C-3PO
I was really shocked to find out that the internet HATES Threepio.
JOKE’S ON ALL OF YOU.
If you deal with anxiety on a regular basis, you ARE Threepio.
Threepio wants everyone to be logical and to stop messing up his reasonable plans.
CAN YOU BLAME HIM??
New Trilogy > Old Trilogy
For the love of blue milk, stop policing the Star Wars fandom.
Here’s a thought: YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIKE THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY TO BE A STAR WARS FAN.
It’s a massive universe with a diverse fanbase, so just CHILL OUT.
My girlfriend would probably call herself a casual Star Wars fan.
As mentioned above, she thinks the Original Trilogy is pretty silly, but she likes the new movies well enough.
MOST of my friends feel the same way.
That doesn’t make them failures, hipsters, losers, fakers, bandwagoners, or otherwise.
They’re just a different kind of fan, so leave them alone!
All that to say that I used to worship the Original Trilogy, thinking that made me a real fan.
You know what I prefer, though?
A Star Wars trilogy with a female protagonist.
I feel like I’m experiencing Star Wars for the very first time.
I bawled my way through my third viewing of The Last Jedi.
Hi, I’m a Star Wars fan and Rey is MY hero.
That’s it. That’s all my confessions.
Except for the anti-Jedi thing.
And the Padme x Obi-Wan thing.
And the Mace Wi-
Know what? No.
That’s all you’re getting out of me.