Books

Anti-Valentines for Literary Figures

Lauren

Based on some of the content I’ve posted, you might think I hate Valentine’s Day.

I don’t.

I love Valentine’s Day.

I DON’T love certain literary characters.

If I had to send Valentines to these characters, this is what I would say.

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Serpent Dove

To: Reid Diggory from Serpent & Dove

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Stop manhandling your wife.

 

 

Northanger Abbey

To: Henry Tilney from Northanger Abbey

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens,

Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens,

Brown paper packages tied up with strings,

You better stop mansplaining all of these things.

 

 

The Martian

To: Mark Watney from The Martian

You made me hate science AND potatoes.

I hope you stay stuck in space.

 

 

 

Northanger Abbey

To: John Thorpe from Northanger Abbey

Oh, yikes, I accidentally sent Henry Tilney a Valentine meant for you.

Wait a minute…

I see what happened: I threw your Valentine in the trash.

WHERE YOU BELONG.

 

 

Annihilation

To: The psychologist from Annihilation

Nothing says “true love” like being hoisted by your own petard, am I RIGHT?

AM I RIGHT??

 

 

 

Merciful Crow

To: Prince Jasimir from The Merciful Crow

You dare tell Fie who to be?

Who died and made you king of anything?

CERTAINLY NOT YOUR STEPMOM THE QUEEN.

 

 

Ninth House

To: Daniel “Darlington” Arlington from Ninth House

Poor little rich boy.

You’ll never be Abel Turner.

Too bad for you.

 

 

Undead Girl Gang

To: Xander from Undead Girl Gang

You have mushrooms in your soul.

 

 

Wicked Saints

To: Malachiasz from Wicked Saints

You broke my heart.

Go sit in timeout with Wolf from The Lunar Chronicles.

 

 

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Happy Valentine’s, my enemies.

Watch out for strawberry creams in your chocolate boxes.

…they’re not poisoned or anything. I just think they’re gross.

(Also, they’re poisoned.)

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Published by Lauren

Lover of cheese and performative angst. I love to call out, complain, overreact, analyze, and reimagine. This site contains the fruit of that labor.

6 thoughts on “Anti-Valentines for Literary Figures”

  1. BAHAHAHAHA I am deceased! Henry is such a mansplainer isn’t he 😂😂 Also strawberry creams are disgusting. Along with coffee creams. Orange creams. All the weird flavoured chocolate creams. Can’t cope

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    1. I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED. I had such a crush on Tilney for being all charming, but then I actually read what he was saying and it was SUCH A TURN-OFF. I GET that Catherine is naive, but like…don’t make fun of her to her FACE, Tilney! SHE’S SEVENTEEN!

      I was all set to be offended but I think I agree with you. The texture of flavored chocolate creams is less than desirable. I like a nice mousse or a truffle filling – cream is hit or miss. And STOP PUTTING WEIRD FRUIT FLAVORS IN CHOCOLATE.

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      1. Chocolate and fruit is a no no in my book!

        I totally get you with Tilney but I liked the evolution of his relationship with Catherine because she did certainly take him on a lot more by the end of the book. Of all the Austen novels I think NA is the one I’d love to have seen a sequel of because I am not sure that they would have lasted as a couple and it would be incredibly interesting to see the fallout

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      2. Same! Why pair two unlike things?? It makes no sense to me.

        He does get progressively nicer to Catherine, which was really lovely to see. Deep down, he is very kind. Okay, hear me out: a sequel where they solve mysteries together.

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      3. OOOH. I could agree with that sequel premise. Would there be much screaming? I feel like Henry needs to squeal more 😂😂😂

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