Real Life

Never Going Back: My Month Using a Dating App

The following is based on real events.

January 2017

Welcome to Java Junkies – where coffee fiends find love!

To get started, THOROUGHLY fill out your Java profile! Be as specific as possible!


The Profile

Name: Lauren

Age: 24

Height: 5’9″

Career: Barista

Religion: Christian

I Like:

  • Reading inside
  • Bucking tradition
  • Making coffee
  • Blogging
  • Watching bad movies
  • Finding new restaurants
  • Buying too many books
  • Feminist theory
  • Left-wing politics
  • Cracking jokes
  • Going to plays
  • Attending improv classes

I Avoid:

  • Nature
  • History
  • Sports
  • Patriotism
  • Aggression
  • Guns
  • Spirited political debates
  • Seeker-sensitive churches
  • Misogyny


Great! Using this information, we’ll pick some fellow Java Junkies JUST for you. If you like who we’ve picked, give them a shout!

The BEST part: these matches are FREE! No “espresso nibs” needed! 😉

Here are some Junkies we think are PERFECT for you!


Match #1

“Hello, I see you go to church. I also go to church. Church is very interesting. I like church history and traditions. I am a very traditional person. P.S. I do not understand sarcasm.”

Match #2

“Is the cat in your profile photo biting you because you taste delicious? 😉


We’re SO sorry – you’ve reached the end of our curated matches! We don’t have anyone left for you!

But that doesn’t mean you’re out of options! Check out the other profiles on our site!

If you see a Junkie you like, use your espresso nibs to get in contact with them!

(Nibs available from our online store for only $1.99 per 100 nibs!)


The Other Junkies

“I don’t believe in God, but I love mountains. I also love rivers, streams, and trails. I’m climbing Mt. Baker this summer, if you want to join me! 🙂

“I love spending time in God’s creation! I do outdoor sports with my church group! Hope you can swim!”

“I love to TRAVEL! I shouldn’t even pay rent because I never see my apartment! I need someone who can keep up because I’m ALWAYS on the MOVE!”

“I love being outside. I caught this deer on a hunting trip with my dad and grandpa.”

“I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. My hobbies are worship, missions, and Getting Real. So far, I haven’t met anyone as godly as I am.”


“I am proud to be an AMERICAN, where at least I know I’m FREE.”

“You could say I am very politically incorrect, I keep it real and tell it like it is, if you are too sensitive TOUGH.”

“I don’t have many social skills what can I say I’m a misanthrope lol anyway I love explaining anime to women.”

“Wow adulting is hard hahahaha oh man what is sleep lol fix me.”

“I know I look shorter in photos but I really am 5’10”! I don’t like superficial people, women are always so judgmental about height.”

“I’m a complex person with many sides. Sometimes I’m outgoing, sometimes I’m shy. Sometimes I go out, sometimes I stay home.”

“I’m not your typical guy! I enjoy both chilling with my pals AND going out on the town.”

“I’m intense yet easygoing. I like to take it easy but I also like to go wild.”

“I like a girl who likes to chill sometimes but go out other times.”



Are you sure you want to delete your account?? You’ll miss out on some AMAZING Java Junkies!

Before you go, we have one last Junkie we KNOW you’ll love!


“I think Trump has some good ideas.”


Account deleted

6 thoughts on “Never Going Back: My Month Using a Dating App”

  1. Pingback: Dating App Update

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