Last month, Methodists voted against LGBTQIA+ inclusion.
As a result, Conservative Methodists – including the Wesleyan Congregational Assembly and delegates from Africa – took control of roughly 77% of the English alphabet.
In response, affirming denominations claimed custody of the letters L, G, B, T, Q, I, and A.
Conservative Methodists struggle to make use of this new, less vibrant alphabet, as it renders even the Bible’s most well-known verse unrecognizable:
For od so oved he word He ve Hs ony egoen Son h whosoever eeves n Hm shoud no ersh bu ve eversng fe.
(New Methodist Translation)
Members of the public have expressed confusion, stating that the Methodists’ message of hope no longer makes sense.
Meanwhile, debates rage between conservative Protestants and liberal progressives over ownership of the letter P.
So far, neither side has sought out the perspectives of pansexual Methodists.
Once the letter debate is resolved, Methodists will turn to their next obstacle: namely, which faction gets full access to the color spectrum.
Current questions revolve around beige’s significance to the denomination.
Evangelical Christians around the country are already protesting this future debate.
“It’s not fair for one denomination to claim beige,” says an unnamed source. “What color are the rest of us supposed to paint our churches?”