Posted in Real Life

A COVID-19 Sleep Saga

Me: *turns off bedside lamp and snuggles under covers*
Brain: Oh! You’re heading to bed?
Me: That was the idea.
Brain: It’s only 10:45!
Me: Your point being?
Brain: I was hoping we could go over what happened today.
Me: No. Good night.
Brain: Suit yourself.
*silence*
Me: ….what happened today?
Brain: You don’t remember? No one laughed at your jokes!
Me: …
Brain: Wasn’t that awful?
Me: …
Brain: Quick, let’s think up some better jokes.
Me: …
Brain: You’ll want to write these down.

Brain: Remember when you bought That Shirt?
Me: What shirt?
Brain: The Policy Proposal shirt.
Me: The one I’m wearing right now?
Brain: What if a cop busted in here and saw you wearing it?
Me: Why would a cop bust in here?
Brain: Imagine they did.
Me: How would they even get in?
Brain: Your downstairs neighbor let them in.
Me: Ugh, he would.
Brain: What would you do?
Me: Cops aren’t going to bust in here!
Brain: You don’t know that.
Me: …
Brain: You said that really rude thing about Chief Best on Twitter.
Me: Oh God, you’re right.
Brain: Let’s talk defense strategy.

Brain: I’m thinking about that cute guy.
Me: Which cute guy?
Brain: …
Me: …the pizza guy??
Brain: OOOH, YOU THINK HE’S CUTE.

Brain: What if you’re not really bisexual?
Me: I was JUST thinking about guys, wasn’t I?
Brain: Mmm, I’m not convinced.
Me: Wake me up when you are convinced.
Brain: Really?
Me: NO.

Brain: 11:11, make a wish.
Me: I wish you would shut up.
Brain: Wow, negative self-talk much?

Brain: Remember when you looked up to Sarah Palin?
Me: AAAAAAGGGHHH.
Brain: You thought she was so inspiring.
Me: STOOOOOOP.
Brain: Was it the glasses? I bet it was the glasses.
Me: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?
Brain: You dressed up as her for Halloween.
Me: I’M TRYING TO SLEEP.
Brain: Calm down, it’s only 11:45.

Brain: Quick, name all the genders.
Me: I don’t know all the genders.
Brain: Well, it’s a good thing you’re still awake!!!
Me: *groan*
Brain: I’ve got flashcards!

Brain: Check, Please!
Me: ….what about it?
Brain: Nothing.
*silence*
Brain: It’s just so good.
Me: That’s true.
Brain: The Last Jedi was great, too.
*silence*
Brain: Shame about The Rise of Skywalker, though.
*silence*
Brain: Oh, sorry. I forgot talking about Star Wars upsets you.
*silence*
Brain: You know, you can’t have sex dreams if you’re awake.
Me: Go to hell.

Brain: Claire is never going to write you back.
Me: Why would you say that?
Brain: She probably hates you.
Me: Why would you SAY that?
Brain: I’m just PREPARING you!

Brain: Your grandma really likes pugs.
Me: She does like pugs.
*silence*
Brain: I think that’s nice.
Me: Me, too.
Brain: What if you had a pug?
Me: GOOD NIGHT.

Brain: SOME GUY ON THE NET THINKS I SUCK, AND HE SHOULD KNOW.
Me: QUIET DOWN!
Brain: HE’S GOT HIS OWN BLOG.
Me: PLEASE quit with the Ben Folds!
Brain: Oh, come on! You love this song!
Me: ENOUGH! Good night!
*silence*
Brain: SOME GUY ON THE NET THINKS I SUCK AND HE SHOULD KNOW-
Me: GOOD NIGHT!
*silence*
Both: HE’S GOT HIS OWN BLOG.

Brain: Do you think your novel is ever going to get off the ground?
Me: ….
Brain: Be honest.
Me: …probably not.
Brain: Really?
Me: I don’t know.
Brain: Unacceptable! I have a BUNCH of good ideas for it.
Me: It’s nightti-
Brain: They involve Luke.
Me: Carry on.

Brain: Can we PLEASE read more Twilight?
Me: TOMORROW.
Brain: UUUUGGGGHHHH.

Brain: Is your throat still hurting?
Me: Yes.
Brain: And your eyes?
Me: Also yes.
Brain: Hm.
Me: WHAT?
Brain: Nothing.
Me: Good.
*silence*
Brain: Could be COVID-19.
*silence*
Brain: Or it could be allergies.
*silence*
Brain: Or smoke.
*silence*
Brain: You should get tested.
Me: AAAAGH.

Brain: Time to reformat your OkCupid profile.
Me: No, thanks. I’m taking the month off.
Brain: That’s why we should plan NOW so you’re ready THEN.
Me: Later.
Brain: Shhhhh, I’m ranking all your selfies.
Me: And?
Brain: Your skin is so OILY.
*silence*
Brain: Your hair looks nice, though.
*silence*
Brain: Have you considered shaving it off?
Me: PLEASE LET ME SLEEP.

Brain: It would suck if your dad got sick again, wouldn’t it?
Me: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Brain: OH MY GOD, I WAS ASKING A QUESTION.

Brain: You’re never going to finish all these books.
Me: *sigh* You’re probably right.
Brain: What if you get so many that they crowd you out?
Me: …
Brain: And you have to move?
Me: …
Brain: ……..so?
Me: So what?
Brain: Which books are you buying next?

Brain: What are we thinking these days about hell?
Me: *groans*
Brain: Does it exist? Yes or no?
Me: I want to sleep.
Brain: There’s a demon behind you.
Me: WHAT?
Brain: Kidding!
Me: *grumbles*
Brain: …probably.
Me: …I don’t see anything.
Brain: It’s good you checked.
*silence*
Brain: Do you think if someone else was in the apartment, you would know?
Me: That’s it. I’m getting up.
Brain: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Brain: Hey.
Me: It’s 2:00 AM!
Brain: Yeah yeah, just one more question.
Me: What?
Brain: Will things ever go back to normal, do you think?
Me: …
Brain: Well?
Me: ….I don’t know.

Fin

Author:

Lover of cheese and performative angst. I love to call out, complain, overreact, analyze, and reimagine. This site contains the fruit of that labor.

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