I, an unqualified person, determine your ideal snack using your zodiac sign

I’ve written at least one joke post about astrology and read two whole books about the planets’ effects on our lives.

In sum, I am no expert on the subject.

However, I PROBABLY know enough to figure out your ideal snack based on your zodiac sign.

Try and stop me.

Aries

Your ideal snack: Flamin’ Hot Cheetos from the convenience store down the street that you pay for in exact change because locating your wallet to pay with your debit card seems like a big ask at 11:00 AM.

Taurus

Your ideal snack: The expensive, medium-delicious chocolates that you’re not supposed to buy for budget reasons, but manage to justify in the name of “self care.” You know exactly the ones I’m talking about.

Gemini

Your ideal snack #1: Extra-sweet iced coffee to fuel all the genius ideas churning in your brain. Must be made by someone else – this is imperative.

Your ideal snack #2: The bitterest caffeinated tea you can find with a splash of milk added for “spice.”

Cancer

Your ideal snack: A coconut water + banana smoothie to replace all the electrolytes you lost while crying about anime.

Leo

Your ideal snack: That red, white, and blue promotional popcorn from the movie theatre, the kind that’s really sticky and vaguely vanilla and too sweet to actually finish. You ask your friends to buy it for you and wait for them outside the theatre dressed like a Cold War-era spy. Everyone thinks it’s super weird but they still help you out – you’re that charming.

Virgo

Your ideal snack: Sometimes when you’re in the zone, you forget to snack and instead subsist on the smell of fine-tipped Sharpies, the feeling of the space heater blowing warm air on your shins, and the click of your laptop keys. When you finally snap out of your reverie, you sip lukewarm soup from your favorite snarky mug.

Libra

Your ideal snack: Cheeses from the Safeway deli section. You don’t actually like them, but they make you feel fancy; you tell yourself you’re acquiring a taste for them. You enjoy serving them to friends while wearing a sweater vest.

Scorpio

Your ideal snack: You eat things like Funyuns, black licorice, and cilantro, mainly for bragging rights and partly so no one will steal your snacks. Sometimes you eat a whole rack of BBQ ribs or a full foot-long sandwich as a power move.

Sagittarius

Your ideal snack: Cigarettes and vibes. For those of you who “don’t smoke,” I know all about your candle collection.

Capricorn

Your ideal snack: A warmed butter croissant that you pick up from “your” coffee shop. You’ve decided croissants are the best fuel for a long work day. All the other signs gush about “protein”; only you know the truth.

Aquarius

Your ideal snack: It varies – how does one define “snack?” All sorts of things can be nourishing, like ideas or hobbies or grass. (In truth, you usually bum a cigarette off a Sagittarius or Bubble Yum off a Leo and call it a day.)

Pisces

Your ideal snack: Something instagrammable like a smoothie bowl or a rainbow bagel. You’ll eat anything that tastes like sparkles or reminds you of your dreams.

For breakfast this morning, I had a croissant.

I am who I’ve always been: a semi-motivated sea goat who loves carbs.

Happy snacking, friends.